As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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