Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
