If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
