oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
