i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
