There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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