i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
