i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
