The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
