Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
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Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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