the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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