in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
