i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize