My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They have beer where we have blood.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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