just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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