I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
