My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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