I wish I only lived at night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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