Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
