I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
