Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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