I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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