You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
