I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
