My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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