I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
