I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
