Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
