Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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