I think I am morally bankrupt
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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