Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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