and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
