So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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