it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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