now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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