Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
