I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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