Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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