a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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