Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
