when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize