I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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