All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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