im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
