I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
