There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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