I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
