All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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