the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
