did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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