Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
