he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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