i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We had to coat check the pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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