you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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