I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
