She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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