Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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